you know those things that you think, “oh yeah. that’s definitely the way it has to be done.” or “oh, i wish i had that.” or “what if we did THIS? doesn’t that sound like such a good idea?!” and then afterwards or a day or two or a few years later, they turned out to be terrible ideas? i’m making a list, and i want to hear what makes yours.
i am admitting on the internet that i had a love affair with smoking when in high school and college. i think it’s what i did because i didn’t drink or do drugs and because all of my friends smoked socially. i was never someone to go out on the back porch for a smoke by myself. in reality, i was looking for friends and companionship and connection – something that smoking sort of supported, but which was totally (obviously) not worth the cost to my lungs and other body parts. good news is that i now find it to be pretty much completely disgusting (unless i’ve had too much to drink and am feeling lonely again), and, a new study has found that those who quit before they turn 35 can live just as long as non-smokers. yay!
2. eating an entire pizza by yourself
this sounded like such a great idea when i was in college, after college, and continues to sound like a good idea on days or weeks when i feel like i’ve “been good,” so i “deserve it.” yeah. hogwash. after i’ve done the deal with the papa john’s delivery man devil (actually ours is quite nice, but i have to make him evil to stop ordering from him), i am SO INCREDIBLY THIRSTY. not to mention miserably full and unable to move. and the next day i feel like i need to punish myself. so yeah … a whole pizza probably isn’t that great.
and as awesome as it is to have the hot, steamy, melty, carby, meaty cheese delivered straight to your door, i can’t conscionably order from papa john’s anymore because the owner, john schnatter, is against the new health care laws that will maybe, you know, help people live longer. and i just can’t get behind a company that not only is serving me the devil’s food and makes me feel terrible, but also doesn’t want to give his workers healthcare. and i know i’m probably hurting those very workers by not ordering from papa john’s, but sometimes tough love hurts everyone a little.
3. high heels
god am i paying for this one these days. there was not a day that you couldn’t find me in a pair of high heels from about the age of 20 until 27, when they had to be pried out of my cold hands and put on a shelf in my closet where i occasionally peek at them with tears in my eyes and a sigh in my heart. high heels have hurt me. i have trouble walking long distances and my knees are that of a 80-year-old according to my orthopedic surgeon. part of this is my fault because being fat and wearing high heels is probably not great for your joints, not to mention going out dancing in them, stomping hard. i did look cute though.
4. wanting bigger boobs
man, if i could remember the first moment when i wanted bigger boobs … whether it was because (again) i wanted more attention, i wanted to round out a look, i wanted something to fit better, or i just wanted to feel womanly – i have wanted bigger boobs for as long as i can remember. from what i hear from my girlfriends who are more endowed, however, they’re not all they’re cracked up to be – pain, very expensive lingerie that never fits properly, and way too much attention that is negative and doesn’t feel worth it at the end of the day. for someone, like me, who is actually almost terrified of public attention from men i don’t know (hello – survivor of sexual assault), maybe bigger boobs really aren’t such a great idea.
5. just going to bed with your makeup on
zits. raccoon eye. dirty pores. dirty pillow cases. dirty pj’s. waking up next to your loved one looking like bozo the clown got ahold of your face. at the time i decided to not wash my face it was because i was tired and just wanted to get in the bed. but, hello, newsflash netta, it feels GREAT to wash your face. duh. and you have that expensive ass clarisonic thing that you bought anyway, promising yourself that you would wash every evening with it to justify the expense. get your hiney in the half-bath and wash your mug. end of.
6. not working out because you wanted to sleep later
man. my boyfriend bought these sheets – t-shirt / jersey / cotton sheets that are just completely evil. i swear they add at least an hour or two on to the time i spend in bed every day. they are SO COMFY. i go to sleep with the best of intentions, “tomorrow. tomorrow i am getting up right when the alarm clock goes off and immediately exercising.” then the alarm clock goes off in the morning and i rub my little legs together and against those jersey sheets. and my brain goes, “so comfy. mm.” and then i don’t exercise.
this is another one of those where you regret it further down the line. i’m now at least getting up and putting on workout clothes. even if i don’t work out. it’s a step. that extra sleep sure does feel good, but i curse myself afterwards because then i’m rushed, and i actually LIKE working out. if i’d just stop making excuses / feeling how comfy those evil sheets are …
7. drinking an entire bottle of wine
nursing a drink is about as NATCH-RAL to me as nursing pizza. it’s just not something that seems to be in my genes. how many times have the girls come over, we’ve opened a bottle, or 4, and the next morning i feel like someone backed a mack truck over me and then sapped all the water out of my system?
i mean we have a FANTASTIC time, so i almost feel like the next day is payment for that fantastic time. but i really don’t think i need to drink a whole bottle of wine to get to the fantastic. maybe this will also need to be added to the #takecare list for 2013. learn to nurse your beverages netta. nurse. NURSE – IMA NEED A PLASTIC BAG BY THE BED IN CASE OF EMERGENCY IN THE MORNING.
8. reconnecting at random on facebook
what is that? stop doing that. is that your need for attention and to be showered with love rearing it’s head again? girl. this was not a good look when it was done by drunk dialing back in the day either, and as much as you’re intrigued by that surfer who you used to think was such hot stuff saying “hey” to you just like he did back in the day … he’s still not that great. and it’s not a great idea. spend that time calling a girlfriend or pinning on pinterest or reorganizing your blog. you are not that desperate for attention. seriously. and you have way better things to do with your time. it never turns out to have been worth it anyway! and clearly, he already knows that he missed the boat with you and regrets being a total shithead, otherwise he wouldn’t be saying hey to you on a friday night at 11PM. leave it that way.
9. kale chips
why does everyone rave about this shit? i have tried them 20 different ways, made them myself a few times, bought the ones from the store, had other people’s … they’re gross. and they leave me actually wanting to eat an entire bag of chips. we are not fooling ourselves here people. have the chip, just don’t have the whole bag, you’ll leave satisfied and less angry.
10. a juice cleanse. (i wish y’all could see my face right now)
this one is closely related to kale chips. i’ve tried these. you gain it all back. it does not “reset your metabolism.” and it does not “reset your thinking about food,” either. all they do is leave you angry and wanting food. backfiring will commence in approximately 3 days after you never want to look at a green smoothie again. and i actually like green smoothies. moderation people. moderation.
okay so that’s my 10 list of things i want to remember really … aren’t that great after you’ve completed them. PS – thank you to yes and yes for the inspiration to make this list!
what’s on your list?