today (tuesdays) is weigh-in day. it’s been weigh-in day for a long, long time. more than 10 years now. in fact, i’ve got data on what i’ve weighed every tuesday since approximately 1999. one of the things that’s become more complicated for me on weigh-in day as the years have turned is that i discovered the fat positive community. it’s a community that i’ve learned from, felt accepted by, and felt rejected by all at the same time. it’s done wonderful things for me because i’ve met people who truly are completely okay with their size and their weight. in fact, it’s made me okay with my size and weight. and so it’s caused inner conflict for me on weigh-in day of magnanimous proportion. and it’s caused me to feel almost like i’m betraying myself. you see, weigh-in day has always been about living or dying by what you see on the scale. and i figured, sure, it makes sense, just let your body do what it needs to do, it will balance out at your natural weight. there has been a problem with that philosophy for me – i stalled a bit in healing my own emotional wounds. you see, i still believe in the fat positive movement, and i still believe in treating everyone, no matter their size and shape, with kindness and love. and i still believe that everyone is beautiful. for me, however, my body wasn’t evening out at a natural weight, it just kept gaining weight. and my knees hurt, and i developed foot pain, things i’d never had before.
and i discovered that yes, accepting my body size and weight has been a coup for me. i know now that even if i don’t ever weigh 135 lbs, i am now armed with the knowledge to treat myself compassionately on weigh-in day. i’m still not great at it, if i gain on a weigh-in day, i’m still setting myself up for a day of anger. but i’m now conscious of it, i see it, and i’m “watching it.” when i weigh-in and have a gain these days, i watch myself, and i observe. and i’m taking notes. because weigh-in day doesn’t always have to be that way.
what is right for me is to grow emotionally, and to do that i have to deal with my emotions differently than i have in the past. i am no longer a 12 year old or a 16 year old or a 20 year old who doesn’t know better. and as i approach 30, i want to take care of myself in all realms. and i want to word this next part very carefully: i am on a quest to lose weight because i want to be the girl i remember. i want to dance freely without pain in my knees and feet. i want to wear high heels again, and i want to do all the yoga moves with no difficulty. i want to fly through dance class and tear through step without hurting my joints any further.
this time i’m losing weight out of love and out of a desire to return to a place where i could live in those activities with no pain. i’m unhappy not being able to walk without pain, dance without pain, take stairs without pain, live without physical pain even when i’m sitting down. and i don’t feel the need to martyr that dream just for the sake of remaining plus size. being plus size is not who i am, that is to say, it doesn’t complete me. even if i were to wake up tomorrow 110 pounds lighter, i would still be netta. for a few years, however, a lot of my identity has been wrapped up in being plus size. i remember non plus size netta, and she was still me, and she still had problems and life still wasn’t perfect. but a lot of things were easier for me.
anyway, more thoughts on this next week, as it’s complicated for me. as my friend patrice says, “it’s hard to lose weight when you’re already happy.”
and this was supposed to be just a short post with my weight for today.
since start: -0.5
feeling: progress. not perfection.