tuesdays is still weigh-in day, but i’ve been really busy, so obviously i haven’t shared how far i’ve come since i posted the first weigh-in day on jan 29. i haven’t really come far at all in the weight department. in fact, after having lost a few more lbs, i gained them back over the last week. i’m struggling, as usual. i’ve been struggling at the same weight for so long now that i can’t remember how long it’s been. there have been so many false starts. i get caught up in living life and don’t track my food or plan things, and then i just find myself eating more than i really actually want of something that’s not really that tasty. sometimes eating is just a knee-jerk reaction for me. and i’m not beating myself up about it. and i don’t really feel that bad about it. which is probably why i’m struggling. my friend patrice once said to me, “it’s really hard to lose weight when you’re happy.” i’ve probably told y’all that story before. i’m still having the same feeling that i had about a month ago – progress, not perfection.
i wrote this really long post that explained how i REALLY feel, but i’m not sure i’m so ready for all of that honesty. i may be moving into a point in my life where i don’t need or want the shine that the internet has offered me. i think i’m searching for a new way to express myself that’s not so navel-gazing, either.
and looking back on the last few weeks, there have been plenty of reasons that i can point to for how i found myself overeating:
travel … in a car, for more than 8 hours, twice
betrayal and discovery of the REAL TRUTH about people i once thought were my friends
discovery of my own naïveté and trusting too soon and too widely
the upheaval of my routine
new career moves that i’m traversing
packing to move and all the brunches and parties that are being squeezed in
in short: life
every time i’ve lost weight successfully, i’ve isolated myself like it was my job. this time around i’m finding it much more difficult because i’m unwilling to isolate myself (due to the fact that it makes me very sad. i love y’all. all y’all. i can’t isolate myself and remain as happy as i am from day to day.)
we’ll see. in the meantime, 2 weeks until i move to NC and get a studio set up sometime in the next few weeks permanently to shoot more video. YAY. and 2 weeks until i move to NC and back to a lifestyle that may allow me to get to the gym as often as i used to. into a routine that not only accommodates that but makes me tell the story to myself that i might go nuts if i don’t get some exercise in. i can feel the weight of NYC life lifting off my shoulders already. although every day i’ve had long stretches where i’ve been sad that i’m leaving, most of those stretches are linked to people i love and hope to stay connected with.
goal for NC: connect with people who are into being healthy who might rub off on me during those “life” moments that i’ve been struggling with.
final thought: i saw a panel today at social media week that made me briefly consider becoming a runner (and meeting robin arzón and luc carl piqued my interest, too, both quite charming. although luc carl … i’m not sure about this drunk diet thing). i can barely walk sometimes … so i see nothing but an uphill battle and an unfulfilled dream when contemplating that thought. could running really become a part of the fat chick workout?
at least the gear is attractive, even if the thought of how my feet would feel afterwards isn’t.