we’re here. i’m here. i’m in NC. i’m no longer in NYC. and it’s different and yet … the same.
i’ve been here since february, and while i’ve been really busy with work – busy enough to not want to sit at a computer once i get home, the real reason i haven’t been blogging is because i’ve been struggling. when i can’t write with full honesty i rebel. it’s like a lot of other things in my life that have gotten me in trouble – i’m not always the best at glossing over the truth. but the real truth is not something i’m sure i’m comfortable with everyone knowing. and, frankly, i’ve not always dealt well with drama.
the real truth, for most people, often contains pain and shame and the things that low self esteem are made of, and they’re very difficult to share with the world. and my real truth contains all of those things. the real reason that i haven’t been writing is because the real truth that i want desperately to write about feels bad. the last thing i discovered before leaving brooklyn as my home is that i’ve trained myself to not feel bad feelings. or even go anywhere near them. i think this is largely because of the nature of the things i’ve experienced.
why did i make the decision to leave NYC behind?
leaving NYC was like leaving behind a boyfriend that had taught me so much but i knew was no longer right for me. last summer, i found myself in the middle of a situation that i’m not sure i’ll ever understand or have the balls to write about completely honestly on the internet. i was in the middle of a situation with backstabbing, deceit, eating disorders and lies.
some women are the meanest creatures. in every painful experience i’ve had with women, i’ve been betrayed deeply, and every time i’ve had a girl betray me i’ve felt complete and total shock. the worst part about this particular situation (which i now believe was probably a betrayal) was that i didn’t know who it was that decided i was the mark to be taken down. but it felt similar to other betrayals with women that i’ve experienced in life – gossipy, secretive, mean, plain ol’ unkind.
NYC made me finally realize that i don’t need to prove anything to anyone – least of all to myself. and i finally realized that i have a right to my feelings. all these years i’ve been worried about how i come across and that i might come across like a victim. well, fuck the people who treat others badly because they are not stable themselves and so seek out other people to make miserable. and fuck the people who lie to make their way to the top – i’m not made up of that. and i’m too smart to waste my time wondering who it is that made some shit up about me in their own brain or didn’t have the balls to address whatever issues they had with me in person. and i’m too nice and too caring to have anyone else ever tell me that i’m not. i know when i die that my funeral will be filled with people who have known my laugh and my love and my deep desire that other people not feel badly.
why did i (we) choose NC?
moving to NC was a decision that my boyfriend and i made together – albeit we moved a little faster than we originally intended to, it turns out the divine force in the world knows what it’s doing and it’s a good thing we moved when we did. and it was a decision that i think he agreed to because he would do anything to see me happy and healthy, and he knew this was a good decision for me, too. (side note: i am so lucky to have this man in my life that i want to laugh with forever and who loves me so much. i can just hear his beautiful laughter in my mind.)
i needed to come back to NC to face some of the other demons in my life and learn some more lessons. my deep desire that other people not feel badly has led me to some dark paths. it’s led me to eat my way through emotions at times, it’s led me to deep loneliness, and it’s led me to spend too much money for the sake of not wanting to deal with what’s really going on in my life. and i know that it will be much easier for me to face those demons down here.
so, i’m doing my best to be brave and face them. but i have to do it my way. see you soon lady bugs. xo xo netta.