we’re here. i’m here. i’m in NC. i’m no longer in NYC. and it’s different and yet … the same.
i’ve been here since february, and while i’ve been really busy with work – busy enough to not want to sit at a computer once i get home, the real reason i haven’t been blogging is because i’ve been struggling. when i can’t write with full honesty i rebel. it’s like a lot of other things in my life that have gotten me in trouble – i’m not always the best at glossing over the truth. but the real truth is not something i’m sure i’m comfortable with everyone knowing. and, frankly, i’ve not always dealt well with drama.
the real truth, for most people, often contains pain and shame and the things that low self esteem are made of, and they’re very difficult to share with the world. and my real truth contains all of those things. the real reason that i haven’t been writing is because the real truth that i want desperately to write about feels bad. the last thing i discovered before leaving brooklyn as my home is that i’ve trained myself to not feel bad feelings. or even go anywhere near them. i think this is largely because of the nature of the things i’ve experienced.
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tuesdays is still weigh-in day, but i’ve been really busy, so obviously i haven’t shared how far i’ve come since i posted the first weigh-in day on jan 29. i haven’t really come far at all in the weight department. in fact, after having lost a few more lbs, i gained them back over the last week. i’m struggling, as usual. i’ve been struggling at the same weight for so long now that i can’t remember how long it’s been. there have been so many false starts. i get caught up in living life and don’t track my food or plan things, and then i just find myself eating more than i really actually want of something that’s not really that tasty. sometimes eating is just a knee-jerk reaction for me.
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if you’re craving a mexican meal, or maybe you need some fresh protein in your life, this is the meal to make. it would have a lot fewer points if the serving was smaller (duh), and if it didn’t have 1/3 cup of olive oil in the dressing, but i eat this as a main meal, and i don’t think the olive oil is that bad for you … even if it does have a lot of points! it’s got yummy black beans, corn, fresh tomatoes, bell pepper and onions, loads of cilantro and spices. get the recipe in this post!
today (tuesdays) is weigh-in day. it’s been weigh-in day for a long, long time. more than 10 years now. in fact, i’ve got data on what i’ve weighed every tuesday since approximately 1999. one of the things that’s become more complicated for me on weigh-in day as the years have turned is that i discovered the fat positive community. it’s a community that i’ve learned from, felt accepted by, and felt rejected by all at the same time. it’s done wonderful things for me because i’ve met people who truly are completely okay with their size and their weight. in fact, it’s made me okay with my size and weight. and so it’s caused inner conflict for me on weigh-in day of magnanimous proportion. and it’s caused me to feel almost like i’m betraying myself.
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so. i’m confused … i was under the impression that broccoli had 0 points, but apparently when added to a recipe, it has points. this recipe calls for 2 heads of broccoli, which add up to 3 WW+. i was unpleasantly surprised to find this out, because i wanted this recipe to be 2 WW+ or less per serving. oh well! it’s still pretty low in points, healthy, and raw. and yummy!