Today I’m grateful for:
Learning the Difference Between Self-care and Selfishness
I’ve been struggling with the difference between taking care of myself and being selfish. Most of this struggle has come from being too self-centered, ironically enough. I have understood selfishness through the lens of worrying what others might think. I’ve often worried that someone else might think I’m selfish before I’ve even begun to say or do something. And that’s just the beginning of the crazy spin that I get into, within my head.
Today, I’m grateful for:
The Opportunity to Start Over or Begin Anew
I have had xoxonettaP for a long time now, a few years, which is a very long time for me to have a project remain active, indeed. Over the last year, it’s not been as active as I’ve waited for a sign or signal for what will become of it next. I’ve talked about deleting it all together and starting over fresh, I’ve thought about it and set aside time to do just that—wash it clean away. I’ve struggled with that thought because of all the hard work that was put into the website over the years. The fact remains, however, that time can change people, and my life has changed immensely. I’m no longer shopping as often, in fact it’s a rarity now for me to purchase an article of clothing or jewelry. I’m much more focused on my life experience and on spiritual fulfillment, and somehow, being filled up with spirit has left little room for material goods and the obsession of how I’m perceived.
we’re here. i’m here. i’m in NC. i’m no longer in NYC. and it’s different and yet … the same.
i’ve been here since february, and while i’ve been really busy with work – busy enough to not want to sit at a computer once i get home, the real reason i haven’t been blogging is because i’ve been struggling. when i can’t write with full honesty i rebel. it’s like a lot of other things in my life that have gotten me in trouble – i’m not always the best at glossing over the truth. but the real truth is not something i’m sure i’m comfortable with everyone knowing. and, frankly, i’ve not always dealt well with drama.
the real truth, for most people, often contains pain and shame and the things that low self esteem are made of, and they’re very difficult to share with the world. and my real truth contains all of those things. the real reason that i haven’t been writing is because the real truth that i want desperately to write about feels bad. the last thing i discovered before leaving brooklyn as my home is that i’ve trained myself to not feel bad feelings. or even go anywhere near them. i think this is largely because of the nature of the things i’ve experienced.
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tuesdays is still weigh-in day, but i’ve been really busy, so obviously i haven’t shared how far i’ve come since i posted the first weigh-in day on jan 29. i haven’t really come far at all in the weight department. in fact, after having lost a few more lbs, i gained them back over the last week. i’m struggling, as usual. i’ve been struggling at the same weight for so long now that i can’t remember how long it’s been. there have been so many false starts. i get caught up in living life and don’t track my food or plan things, and then i just find myself eating more than i really actually want of something that’s not really that tasty. sometimes eating is just a knee-jerk reaction for me.
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if you’re craving a mexican meal, or maybe you need some fresh protein in your life, this is the meal to make. it would have a lot fewer points if the serving was smaller (duh), and if it didn’t have 1/3 cup of olive oil in the dressing, but i eat this as a main meal, and i don’t think the olive oil is that bad for you … even if it does have a lot of points! it’s got yummy black beans, corn, fresh tomatoes, bell pepper and onions, loads of cilantro and spices. get the recipe in this post!