we’re here. i’m here. i’m in NC. i’m no longer in NYC. and it’s different and yet … the same.
i’ve been here since february, and while i’ve been really busy with work – busy enough to not want to sit at a computer once i get home, the real reason i haven’t been blogging is because i’ve been struggling. when i can’t write with full honesty i rebel. it’s like a lot of other things in my life that have gotten me in trouble – i’m not always the best at glossing over the truth. but the real truth is not something i’m sure i’m comfortable with everyone knowing. and, frankly, i’ve not always dealt well with drama.
the real truth, for most people, often contains pain and shame and the things that low self esteem are made of, and they’re very difficult to share with the world. and my real truth contains all of those things. the real reason that i haven’t been writing is because the real truth that i want desperately to write about feels bad. the last thing i discovered before leaving brooklyn as my home is that i’ve trained myself to not feel bad feelings. or even go anywhere near them. i think this is largely because of the nature of the things i’ve experienced.
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tuesdays is still weigh-in day, but i’ve been really busy, so obviously i haven’t shared how far i’ve come since i posted the first weigh-in day on jan 29. i haven’t really come far at all in the weight department. in fact, after having lost a few more lbs, i gained them back over the last week. i’m struggling, as usual. i’ve been struggling at the same weight for so long now that i can’t remember how long it’s been. there have been so many false starts. i get caught up in living life and don’t track my food or plan things, and then i just find myself eating more than i really actually want of something that’s not really that tasty. sometimes eating is just a knee-jerk reaction for me.
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today (tuesdays) is weigh-in day. it’s been weigh-in day for a long, long time. more than 10 years now. in fact, i’ve got data on what i’ve weighed every tuesday since approximately 1999. one of the things that’s become more complicated for me on weigh-in day as the years have turned is that i discovered the fat positive community. it’s a community that i’ve learned from, felt accepted by, and felt rejected by all at the same time. it’s done wonderful things for me because i’ve met people who truly are completely okay with their size and their weight. in fact, it’s made me okay with my size and weight. and so it’s caused inner conflict for me on weigh-in day of magnanimous proportion. and it’s caused me to feel almost like i’m betraying myself.
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we all pretty much grew up seeing that little food pyramid thing that schools had up in the cafeteria i grew up going to weight watchers meetings from the time i was 5. i’ll never forget the time they asked everyone what was something you could do to reward yourself, and, being the complete ham i was and desperate for the room’s attention, i smartly raised my hand, and when recognized said proudly, “A COOKIE!” to which i was met with laughter, and then felt shame and then embarrassment. because i so thought i was right.
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it’s a new year, and i can hardly believe that it’s 2013. i got used to 2012, and i wasn’t that surprised to see it come, but something about 2013 reminds me that time slows down for no one. i’m almost three decades old, and this year, i’ve decided i need to #takecare of myself. so that’s my new year’s resolution. and it means a lot of different things. here is how i will #takecare, better care, of myself in 2013:
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who am i? petey pab motha … oops @nettaP. southern with a side of city: hush puppies and leather jackets.
i love to talk, first of all. which is why i write the content on this blog. i process the world through words and laughter. my second love is probably technology because it brings laughter and discussion and connection. and my third love is the pursuit of becoming a stronger individual while respecting my strong need for justice.
i'm learning to be myself faithfully and to trust myself with confidence.
i write a lot about being fat and feelings. i also write a lot about food and fitness. and i also write about fashion because it can be hard to clothe yourself appropriately at every hour of your life.
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